Living With An Eating Disorder - Part 1
Okay, so crack the violins out I hear you cry. We all have to watch what we eat to make sure we don't balloon up or die of starvation. And I understand that there are more pressing things going on in the world at large - but, it's when these worries about body image, food and control
This is exactly what happened to me. At my heaviest I was 24 stone. I'm now weighing in at 11 and a half stone (or around there). My desire to lose weight and maintain a slimmer physique became a guilt inducing addiction. Skipping meals, calory counting, constantly worrying about every single thing that passed my lips; becoming increasingly irate with friends and family, frantically pacing around the streets in an effort to burn those few extra calories, eating identical and scrupulously measured meals day in and day out, feeling a real sense of guilt and self loathing for sneaking in an extra piece of fruit during the day... Sounds ridiculous, and whilst I knew in my own mind at the time what I was doing to myself and how illogical my attitude towards my diet was, I just couldn't shake these compulsions. Guilt at consuming anything I enjoyed caused me to feel physically sick moments later, and the
Whilst that all sounds doom and gloom, I know for definite that things are improving. I feel healthier, look healthier, and have made a real effort to battle against some of the underlying causes of my
It is still a struggle, though not anywhere near as bad as it was at my worst. I'm learning, if not to be completely carefree and unbound from my new
This morning I had what felt like an especially helpful doctors appointment, where I talked to a doctor I hadn't seen before. It was refreshing to talk to a new face in person, and, whilst my previous doctors have done their utmost to be as helpful as possible, it just felt like this new doctor had more wisdom and insight into the issues I've been working against. We discussed my progress and how to continue in this upward direction, and the plan is to continue taking my current dose of anti-depressants, continue working through an online 'Cognitive Behavior Therapy' course set by Birmingham Healthy Minds, and keep seeing my psychologist, seeing how things are in about a month.
With my improved mood and new found direction, has come with it the inspiration to share my experiences via this blog. I hope it will ultimately help both myself and others to understand how someone as apparently happy and content as I was, can be affected by something as simple as the food they eat.
In the next few entries, I'll be detailing both my rise and fall in an effort to help myself understand what was going on in my head, and to maybe help other's that may be dealing with similar situations. If there's anything I've learned from my experiences, it's that everyone has their shit, and we shouldn't be afraid to share our experiences, or to ask for and offer help.
So first, the beginning...